On Sexuality & Representation and What It Means To Me
My name is Alex. I identify on the Asexual spectrum. Where exactly I fall on it fluctuates. Overall, somewhere near Demisexual is as close as I can get (but even that has never felt totally right). Sometimes I feel like a total fraud. Other days I feel like I am broken and no one could love someone like this. I feel the things I have done in the past invalidate my sexuality to others. I find myself afraid to really talk about it because I'm afraid that if people find out about those things, they'll criticize me even more. When those things were my attempts to just feel normal. It is a very hard thing for me to openly discuss, because I feel like I need to constantly prove my sexuality. It is hard because I have had people in the past say "Oh, I'm so sorry." to my partners when they know nothing of what our personal lives are. And what I do or don't do is my own business between myself and my partner.
But I know how I feel. I am asexual even if I do have sex. I am on this spectrum even if it feels good. And that is a hard thing to both explain to other people and to explain to myself on the inside. It's not having a low sex drive. It's a lack of having that innate need or urge that you see and hear everyone else have. But I will not go into the details of my personal life. I'm sorry. (I shouldn't have to apologize.)
I know who I am. And I love who I am.
Growing up, I was lucky that two of my best friends also identified as Ace. So, I at least had them to not feel totally alone in this sex-driven world. I was also way more focused on romance than anything else. And that's really still true to this day. But even still, all the people I looked up to in life, I felt alone. When I was in high school and college, I felt no one could love someone who couldn't have sex with them. Things are definitely a bit different now a days, but I still feel that way sometimes.
Having other people who stand up and say "Hey, I'm asexual." who are in a public light makes me feel empowered. It makes me feel a little more normal. I cried at the RTX Pride panel this past weekend when there was someone else up there who identified as Ace. Because I feel like I never see it anymore. In the LGBT+ community, the asexual part of that is often so small and quiet. In these sorts of things there is someone for every shade of the LGBT rainbow, except for the one that means the most to me. There are so few icons who have stood up. It's hard to. It's hard when we're constantly told that you need to have sex, you need to be sexy, that sex is something everyone does and you need to do to be worthy of attention.
So thank you. I am talking about this because of the woman on the panel who said it and gave me a glimmer of hope. I am talking about this because Kelsey Ellison made a video this week saying she is demisexual. I am talking about this because we have to. For all the people who feel like they are alone and broken. You are not.
If you feel like you might be on this spectrum, are questioning but have no one you can talk to about it - DM me, email me, send me a message on my Facebook page. I'll talk to you about it. I'll help you walk you through it. Because asexuality is pretty different and a pretty large spectrum. It can be a bit difficult to pinpoint or put in a box.
I love you.
Love & Stars,